Sean Carton's Bad Blog

Monday, April 25, 2005

Real-World Tips for New Employees

Ahh! Spring is in the air and with the Spring comes many new changes, not the least of which are new jobs. For some reason it seems that many of my friends are in the midst of changing jobs (or looking for new ones) and I thought it might be useful if I cleared up many of the myths surrounding being a new employee. I did some checking around the Web and found a lot of sites listing "tips" for people starting new jobs and was horrified at the advice I saw. Talk about career killers! So, in the interests of public service I wanted to pass along this list of new job myths with some helpful clarifications:

MYTH: Know what your company does. Be ready to give a 30-second
overview to anyone that asks, from your friends to your grandma to your
next door neighbor.

FACT: Forget about what your company does. What's most important is
what YOU do there. Their products and services are generally of no
interest to your friends, relatives, and neighbors. Be ready to give a
30-second overview of your importance to the company, the perks you're
receiving (make some up if necessary), and the incompetence of your new
co-workers you were obviously hired to shepherd into greatness. The
most important thing is that everyone in your life be jealous of your
new job.

MYTH: Understand your role in contributing to the bottom line of the
company. Keep your eyes (and your career) focused on the big picture
rather than your own little cube.

FACT: The company's going to screw you no matter what you do. Keep your
eyes (and your career) focused on getting as much for yourself as
possible while avoiding any responsibility for negative results. Think
"plausible deniability" before beginning any new task.

MYTH: Get a copy of your company's most recent annual report and read
it cover to cover.

FACT: You're important. You've got far better things to do than read
boring annual reports. Read enough of the "About us" section on their
Web site so that you don't sound like a total dumbass and then spend
your first day learning more important things such as the personal
weaknesses of your co-workers, how many steps it takes you get to the
coffee maker, the daily routine of your boss (so you can duck out when
you need to), and where you can smoke.

MYTH: Dress conservatively--at or above the conservative median within
the company. You should always speak louder than your clothes.

FACT: Sex sells. "Conservative" might work if you want to spend your
whole miserable career unnoticed. If you really want to get ahead in
any company, make sure that most of the other employees spend their
days swiveling in their task chairs to stare at you as you walk by. If
you look hot all the time it doesn't matter what you say.

MYTH: Remember the names of those you are introduced to. In your first
few days on the job, jot down names until you remember them. They only
have to remember one new name, while you have scores.

FACT: The only people's names you have to remember are those who have
any direct authority over you. Remembering underlings'
names is a waste of time. If you must remember the riff-raff and what they do, give them suitably derrogatory nicknames so that you can refer to them in emails to friends. "Stink Boy,"
"Whiner," "Rabbit," and "Lifer" are some examples of names that may
help.

MYTH: Take the time to understand your company benefits plan. Don't
wait until you need to use one of the benefits to understand it.

FACT: Your first days on your new job are when you have the most
leverage. HR people will assume that you're new and don't know any
better and your boss will be scared that you might leave, throwing the
company into turmoil and forcing him or her to go through the painful
hiring process again. Don't worry about understanding the company
benefits plan: figure out what benefits you would like and demand them
immediately.

MYTH: Watch and emulate those who are successful in the company. Allow
them to be your mentors from afar.

FACT: "Mentors from afar?" How's THAT supposed to work? If you see
someone who's getting what you want and has some real authority in the
company, kiss up to them as much as possible. Get them coffee, slap
them on the back while telling jokes you've pulled off the Internet,
follow them to lunch, degrade co-workers you know they don't like, and
talk about sports. A lot. Watch your vocabulary, too: words and phrases
like "no," "that's not how that works," or "I disagree" are stoppers
that should be avoided at all costs while amongst successful co-workers.
Instead, liberal use of phrases like "yes!", "you're so smart!",
"brilliant!", and "you must work out all the time" will guarantee your
place in their hearts and assure your future success.

MYTH: Personalize your work area, but not too personal. Frame your
degree and hang it on the wall. Put a small picture on your desk. Get a
nameplate so everyone will know who you are.

FACT: Personalizing your workspace with your diploma will only get you
laughed at unless you went to an Ivy League school. And unless you're
the CEO or work as the receptionist (loser!), forget about the
nameplate...it's tacky. The first few days on the job are all about
acquiring territory and establishing your dominance over those around
you. After all, you're the new person and obviously highly important to
the company. Why else would they have hired you? Spread out! If you
share a cube, make sure your stuff spreads on to your co-worker's
desk...they'll be too embarassed to say anything because you're new. If
you have to bring your own coffee cup, make sure yours is bigger than
everyone else's so it takes up the most space in the kitchen cabinet
and makes a big impression at meetings. Demand more server space and a
higher email attachment limit for your "important" documents (read:
MP3s and video files you've pirated over the company network). If you
have an office with a door, leave boxes in the hallway so that people
will know that you've arrived. The point is this: if you don't take
over your new territory during the first few days, you never will.
Think big.

MYTH: If your employer provides the option, have your paycheck set up
for direct deposit. It will save you the time and hassle of depositing
each paycheck and will give you quicker access to your money.

FACT: Direct deposit is for chumps. You want cash. A little known fact
is that most employers "shave" money from direct deposited checks
knowing that most employees will never notice. If you must use direct
deposit, make sure you take the time to create a few documents listing
your salary laying around so that others will notice. Add a zero or two
to show just how important you are. Nobody else will now the truth and
it'll drive your co-workers insane with jealousy.

I hope this helps.

10:31:28 AM